Governing a Town, Raising a Transcontinental Family: The Dual Life of a Chinese-Adopting Mayor

Being a mother is hard work. “All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid” are the words of one populare song describing the life of mothers that many women can relate to. But Mayor Jen Asay faces the added challenge of balancing her political leadership with taking care of four children. Known for her dedicated service in Bernards Township for the last 17 years, she is also a mother of four, two of whom—Elise and Drew—were adopted from China. Her story is one of love, determination, and perseverance.

Interest in Adoption

Mayor Asay’s journey to adoption began in a Booth School of Business classroom at the University of Chicago. Surrounded by Chinese classmates, she learned about China’s One Child Policy and its impact on children in China. “I thought if I could provide a child a home, having been blessed with two healthy children already, I would love to do that,” she explains.

Yet optimism collided with reality. It wasn’t until 2006—three years after she completed her MBA—that she and her husband, Derek, felt ready to begin the process. With 9 year old and 6 year old children, they submitted their application, expecting to expand their family that year. Instead, China unexpectedly phased out non-special-needs adoptions, extending their wait to an excruciating six years. “We thought we would have a 9-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 1-year-old by the end of that year, but instead, we waited six years for Elise,” she says.

Challenges: The Bureaucratic Marathon

The adoption process was a relentless test of endurance.  “Every 15 months, our fingerprints would expire, and every 18 months, the paperwork would expire,” Asay explains. Each delay meant redoing the process—finding a new social worker, updating documents, and navigating ever-changing requirements.

Their move to a different state further complicated matters. Still, they persevered, and in May 2012, they finally received the long-awaited call: they had been matched with Elise.

The moment they met their daughter was filled with emotion. Traveling as a family to China, they prepared for the big day. “When they presented us with our children, Elise was initially sad and then started to cry when she was handed over to me,” Asay remembers while smiling, “She was happier when she went to my husband, Derek. For the first week or so, she didn’t want much to do with me.” But gradually, Elise adjusted and fit perfectly into their family.

A Second Adoption

One day, a fellow basketball mom mentioned that many little boys with special needs in China were in need of homes. Asay felt Elise’s small hand squeezed hers—a silent nudge. Asay shared the conversation with her husband, who was initially hesitant. However, after weeks of reflection, they decided to begin the adoption process once again—this time for Drew.

Unlike Elise’s adoption, Drew’s adoption was completed in just nine months. Drew was considered a special needs child due to his cleft lip and palate, requiring medical attention. Upon bringing him home, Drew has had to undergo numerous operations and procedures.

“I tell Drew, ‘When I think of you, I think of the word brave. You are just so brave,’” Asay says. Despite the challenges, Drew has also displayed resilience and compassion. For his birthdays, he encourages his friends to donate to charities like Operation Smile instead of bringing him gifts.

A Legacy: Dumplings and Democracy

As mother and mayor, Jen Asay’s experience with adoption has changed her family and her town. She has made it a priority to incorporate Chinese culture into Elise and Drew’s lives, celebrating Lunar New Year, preserving memories from their adoption trips, and fostering a sense of cultural connection. “Before we adopted them, I made a commitment to try to educate each of them about their culture,” she says.

Her advocacy for diversity and inclusion led to the creation of the Fabric of Bernards initiative, aimed at uniting the town through a celebration of different cultures. “Instead of focusing on differences and what separates us, I believe that through education and positive celebration, we can bring people together,” she explains.

Reflecting on her journey, Asay emphasizes that her adopted children are no different from her biological ones. “My adopted children are my children. Even though I did not give birth to them, they are 100% my children. Elise is my sunshine and Drew is my little soldier,” she states firmly. “I want to leave this world a better place than when I entered it. I want to teach my children to have those same principles and ideals.”

Reporter’s Note: After meeting Mayor Asay at our local Lunar New Year celebration, I was introduced to her family and learned about the basics of her family’s story. Intrigued, I set up an interview, not expecting to be told an amazing story of love and perseverance in the midst of frustrations and disappointments. Jen Asay proves the saying “blood is thicker than water,” wrong. Family is what we make of them.